I hate having awkward or difficult conversations. I feel uncomfortable asking for favours. I will break my back to avoid having to change a scheduled plan.
To the shock of many in my professional life, I am not an extrovert. I am actually deeply introverted and suffer a lot with social anxiety. So much so that I will use any form of self-checkout to avoid having to speak to people behind a counter. Any in-store interactions I do have are pre-planned and scripted out to the best of my ability.
I get awkward in the most benign of situations. And this is partly why I've created HuSOC! I wanted a platform to share the tools and techniques I have developed to break out of these social shackles. Today's topic is one that I think has had the biggest impact on both my professional and personal life. I don't always implement it perfectly, I'll be honest about that, sometimes I need someone to remind me of it and break me out of the cycle. But when I do implement it, I find a lot of the aforementioned issues go away.
The Question That Changed Everything
"How would I react?" - It's really as simple as that.
This simple question is something that can unblock me in almost any situation. Because if a friend asks me to help them move some boxes, I don't suddenly hate them and think that they're a burden (which is what I fear will happen) - no, I simply say "of course, when and where do you need me?".
Even something as simple as speaking to a cashier becomes manageable with this reframe. Instead of scripting out every possible interaction, I ask myself: if someone came up to my counter and said "Hi, just this please," would I judge them? Of course not. I'd probably appreciate their politeness and efficiency. This realisation doesn't eliminate my anxiety completely, but it gives me a bridge between my overthinking mind and reality.
When I Nearly Failed My Team
The same applies at work. I recently had to give some feedback to the team as a whole - they weren't performing to the level I expected, we weren't delivering value. For context, we were working on a large project to re-platform our entire website to a new tech stack and at the beginning I had convinced the board to keep development in house, and not ship it offshore to a cheap dev house.
I backed the developers, because I genuinely believed in them. And now, six months on, we as a team weren't living up to that belief.
But going into that conversation, I was nervous. Would they feel like I was throwing them under the bus? That I don't believe in them? So with that in my mind, what do you think I said to myself?
How would I react?
If I were on a team that was underperforming and my manager had vouched for us, would I want them to be straight with me about what needs to change? People value transparency. They appreciate honesty. And it gives them a reputation to live up to.
The conversation went well. I was direct but supportive, explaining the situation and what we needed to improve. The team appreciated the transparency and stepped up their game. Do you know what my own personal failing was? Not doing it sooner. I should've told them at the beginning, but I wanted to protect them. I was worried they'd be hurt that the board even considered out-sourcing. But looking back, they would've appreciated the support, risen to the challenge, and worked hard to prove me right from the beginning.
From Anxiety to Empathy
But maybe you're not managing a whole team, maybe you're just giving some feedback on a task. There's a few things that need correcting, and you're worried that they'll think you hate them. Or you're being unfair. But when you pause and ask yourself the key question:
How would I react?
Well, if my manager gave me this feedback - Would I want it to be honest and direct, or sugar-coated and confusing? What I've realised is, most people want clear, actionable feedback delivered with respect.
This question is not only a way to reduce your own stress about conversations, but it can be a helpful framing device to pre-empt a difficult interaction. Maybe you would react negatively! So, how can you change your approach to minimise that? What questions would you have? Well likely they'll have the same - so make sure you're prepared.
The beauty of this technique is that it works across all areas of life. Need to ask your neighbour to turn down their music? Ask yourself how you'd want to be approached. Worried about declining a social invitation? Consider how you'd react if someone politely explained they couldn't make it. The answer is usually much more reasonable than your anxiety suggests.
Look, I still script out conversations with cashiers sometimes. I still feel my heart rate spike before difficult meetings. But this one question has helped massively. It doesn't cure the introversion, but it gives me a bridge between my overthinking mind and the reality that most people are just... people. Reasonable, understanding people who react a lot like I would.
Your Turn
So here's your challenge: Think of one difficult conversation you've been avoiding. Write down what you're afraid will happen. Then ask yourself - 'How would I react if someone approached me this way?' I bet you'll find your fears are bigger than the likely reality.
Start small. Practice with low-stakes situations. Build up that muscle of checking in with your empathy rather than your anxiety. Because here's what I've learned: most people aren't waiting to judge you. They're just trying to do their jobs, help their teams, and get through their day - just like you.